insomnia

(archives)

I declare my love (from Tennessee)

I declare my love once more,
But it’s lost to your ears,
Whispered to the darkness. 
I declare my love once more,
As though the world hears,
As though it may touch your heart.
I declare my love once more.
From half the world away,
From this night of day,
I declare to you right here now:
If the end of the world was here,
If society was broken beyond repair,
If humanity was engulfed by fear and despair,
I would find my way back to you.
So I could declare my love to you there.

The soporific effects of an insomniac’s lover

They lay there, all legs, hands, arms and feet
Entangled like the roots of an old well formed tree
Supporting each other tenderly
Offering tactile security

Hands cupping shoulders
Feet drawing in legs
“Feel safe with me”

Ineffable
Words spoken through a glance
A pronounced stare
A tapping finger
“Know I care”

Interwoven
Inseverable
Indivisible

This space
This time
This repletion

Drowsy serenity
It’s almost scary that sleep could be so natural
Don’t question it
Sleep

The continuous caress of that body being there
The rhythmic motions of existence
Susurrant demands in that silent moment
“Sleep”

And in the darkness
Be still fears of the licentious licks of that other lover
The one that rouses from dreams
The one that demands conscious streams

Then awaken to find morning has come
Dozing and warm and welcoming the sun
Contentment touches the corners of each lover’s lips
Another conquered night given over to bliss

Mr Moon

Through the darkness, the moonlight cuts
A lonely gaze which I return;
Two friends greet each other once more,
Stoic; intimate: cold light burn.

Weary wanderer watches us.
The hoariest of observers,
Mankind’s patient companion.

A cold caress illuminates,
Gentle benevolence, the hushed
Pale faces, once florid now sleep.

I lay silent; enamoured with
The nocturnally present sphere.
Wondrous patterns creep around me.

A shadow emerges above,
There’s a recess in the plaster;
Great cavernous voids open up,
Like my friend’s pocked facial features.

Through nights of cloud or crisp cold air,
The giant alabaster stare,
Onward with the journey path,
I track progress o’er a starry cloth.

This sight; that light; another night.

Chased once again in a bluing morn.
Restfully, retreating raging dawn.

I Dreamt a Dream of a Dream

Indecipherable dreams encroach once more,
Is this the summit; the terminus,
Or simply a plateau in this perpetual cycle?

I dream of a day-dream of a dream,
Of a different reality,
Of a different me,
Of a different she,
Of a different what could be.

Nails dig into my palms,
I’m back again,
Woken quickly by violent shaking.
Gasping.
None sleep.
Thoughts that pitch me against me.
Thoughts: I can’t be the things I want to be.

I see the father before me,
He knows me from the inside out.
He can’t let me progress here.
We’re fighting.
He’s right,
He can see my dreams,
And knows they should never be,
Not for him, me or she.

I day-dream a dream of a dream,
Of elated faces,
Of inscrutable pride,
Of indestructible belonging,
Of infinite possibilities.

Fading hopes.
Fading embraces,
Fading away are,
Fading faces.

I dream of a day-dream of a dream.
But wake up,
To find it’s just me.

Silent Gloom

Silent gloom precipitates the darkness
Of solitudinal thoughts and dry eyed tears

Led there on the floor
Led bare with a lead stare
Mouth open;
Heart drumming;
Refusing to breathe

Silence? For a moment was that silence?
A silence shattered by necessary writhing
Awkward movements are a bell call for pacing
Pace the mental case externally

Then in a mirror so stands before him
Naked but for tragic beauty
Shadowy outlines echo of monsters
The reflection of his own worst enemy

This Great Love

This great love.
Now dusty and archived.
Once lively with the joy of the future possibilities,
Hangs like a brake beneath me.

I wander as in a perpetuum of my dreams,
Unable to break this cycle of loneliness,
Unable to establish meaning for my life,
I’ seeing this existence as though I’m no longer a participant.

He longs to feel the warm sun of another’s passion raising him,
To reciprocate. He’s known this previously,
He’s felt the wholeness that comes with knowing someone else is there,
He’s given as much back.
When did he loose that?
Does that feeling not emanate towards him still?
When did he stop reciprocating?

I wander in a perpetuum of my dreams,
Looking to my thoughts for solace,
Looking to my thoughts for a sign,
I need to make a move and make a change.

That great love.
Where did I put you?
And where is the next volume?
The one that talks of freedom, passions, feeling.

Egregious boy

Egregious boy,
Not quite a man,

Soft lines,
Soft eyes.

Promise.

Out of the darkness,
Out of the shadows,
Out of the night time within me.

My Isolation?

They cannot see me like his.
My weaknesses.
My hurtings.

Who am I?

Venture forth.
Venture out?
Adventuring whereverness?

Egregious boy,
So undefined.

Bring down your sun,
Into my night.

Sleepless Nights and Bleary Eyed Mornings

With sleepless nights,
The conscious stream seems unreal.
Plays with your memory.

I am embattled,
And he is dug in.
A war of attrition raging in my mind.

I am so capable,
So very capable.
But when you’re fighting yourself all the time,
It’s difficult to see the horizon.

White mist….. I’m so haunted.
And through the mist, always exhaustion.

When it comes on,
When it builds up,
When the tension becomes all consuming and prevalent.
When I can’t sleep.
I like it.

Then I can fight.
No.
Not then but when.

I don’t like loosing to myself,
But it’s a propensity we all face.
I am going to be a terrible old man.
Maybe I should accept that people like me,
Should never get to that stage.

Rocks in my pockets;
Pills stitched into my sleeves;
A Swiss Army knife concealed in my shoe;
Anything that will prevent me a further breath.

The fearful absolution.
Head held high.
The drum beat of my heart in the darkness,
The march of my life.

The waking time,
The reckless hours,
The bleary eyed mornings.

Time to begin again,
They must not know this,
They cannot know what I am.

The contradiction of my own enigma,
A stranger in this world,
Even to myself.

A Nightmare Begins

My nightmares begin, I cannot condone,
For what I have done I must now disown,
A vision, a memory of what has transgressed,
I quenched my thirst on an evil temptress.

I have become what she did create,
And my lust is now equal only to my hate,
The mirror burns, I cannot look,
I only see the hollow, from which she took.

My sanguine addiction: my only care.
On the blood stained alter I’d sit and stare.
Fantasies undone. And undead;
Their unholy screams echo in my head.

Sex is primal, I see myself there.
And from a distance. From My alter;
I may only sit and stare.

Life’s conquest.
I cannot cope.
An unspoken mission;
Without hope.

Destitution…. A painful fear.
The debauch seductress;
Sheds and unwanted tear.

A savage world;
Raped and scared many times.
We look for prophetic men;
To lead the blind.